Does anyone care to hear what I have to say?

My Blog - 2007-08-28: The end of an era...
Category: Personal

At 6:07pm, Belladonna writes:


*sigh* Well, my plan WAS to fill you all in on my past week and a half of life. But, sometimes things change in an instant. I CAN tell you that a few weeks back, I was as high on life. I felt that there was nothing in the world that could bring me down. I was given permission, by my husband, to have sex with other men. When I was first told, I never thought for a second that I could actually ever go through with it, so I just teased him by telling him stories of me having sex with other men, and it was a lot of fun. I did mention to him that if I were ever to do it, it had to be someone I was extremely attracted to. Well, that day came along. I found the perfect man to share this experience with. I told this man that I wanted to have sex with him and that I would pay for him to get tested so that we could enjoy ourselves knowing that we were safe. I had been around this guy in the past and Herpes was brought up, but it was never a straight forward question, so my answer was that 99.9% of the porn industry has Herpes. I thought by saying that it was pretty clear, but I should never have assumed. I got the test results back from Aim Healthcare and his test was negative for everything, so we set a time and a place for our rendezvous and I went on about my merry way. I was in heaven, feeling like I was thirteen year old again and having my first kiss at Skateworld. I had so much desire for this man and didn't even know it until my husband told me of his fantasy. Well, I went to meet up with him and we shared some of the most incredible sex I've ever had. We began to talk about how responsible we felt for doing it this way and that people should do it like this more often. Get tested, get permission and totally enjoy yourselves. It didn't even take ANYTHING away from the excitement of it! In fact, it may have made it even better! Then we started talking about STDs and he brings up Herpes! He says, "You don't have that do you?" My heart almost hit the floor and my gut tightened up like a knot. It's a little late in the game to be asking this now, don't you think? It was as much his responsibility as it was mine, so I can't really place any blame. I really thought he knew since we had talked briefly about it before. NEVER ASSUME ANYTHING!!!! I couldn't even tell him the truth at that moment because I was so embarrassed. I just blurted out, "NO!" I kept thinking how am I going to tell him. This is a man who doesn't work in the adult industry, granted I don't know what he does in his personal life, but I should have said something before it was too late. I never said a word and left. I called Aiden right away and told him what happened and immediately after that I called "the other man" to tell him that I lied. I explained everything and told him how I felt and he was actually really calm and nice about it all. I took him to Aim Healthcare the next day to talk about it and told him I would pay to get him tested again and that I would take care of it for him. I am just crossing my fingers that I did not give him HSV-2 for life. Now you all know why I posted the Herpes blog because I went through a lot emotionally and got very stressed out over it all. I actually lost sleep and my appetite for awhile. Now everything is calmed down and I feel a lot better. My husband's fantasy is gone. And even it if it weren't I don't think I could have sex with anyone else at this point. I am fine with having sex with just my husband for the rest of my life. You don't have to ask me twice.

Anyway, here's the kicker. I started shooting the Vivid feature, The Devil in Miss Jones: Lost Paradise and everything was going well. I've been working 13 hour days and it's been challenging because I don't usually do these kinds of projects. I know that it's worth it to me though, because when I get to sit down and watch the finished product, I'll see all the hard work I put into it. The night of the 23rd, after my shower, I was putting some lotion on and felt what I thought was a rash on my upper butt cheek. I was like, what the hell is this? and kept trying to think of how I could have gotten it and from where, or was it a bug bite or something? I could not seem to pin point it. I left it alone and thought, well, it will be gone in a couple of days, no worries. But it has only gotten worse. I had to cancel my sex scenes for today and I went to the doctor, only to find that he thinks it Herpes. I am not 100% sure yet because the culture won't be back until Friday, but he loaded me up with medication. The thing is, it's not a normal sized breakout. It happens to be 2 inches in diameter and it's on my ass!!!!!!!! This isn't the worst thing that could happen. I am totally aware of that, but it is a big fucking deal to me considering the size and the placement! He even said it could very well leave a scar because of the size of it. I nearly cried! It's days like this that make my job suck. If there were one thing that I could name that would make me not want to have sex for a living it would be STDs! And that is why I am telling you all of this today. I will no longer be performing with other people. I'll still be doing solo scenes for extras on my movies and also directing, dancing and signings.

This is really a big decision for me and it hurts me in some ways, but the way I look at... it's time to let me body relax. I just don't want to risk getting Herpes all over my body, or in my eyes, or genital warts or even HIV Don't worry, I'm not leaving the business, I'm just not going to be performing in front of the camera anymore. I know that is why a lot of you are my fans, but I hope you continue to be a fan of my work directing and behind the camera in the years to come. I can't thank you all enough for supporting my career throughout the years! And I'll still be here telling you all about my adventures in life and all of the other really hot guys and girls I've been shooting. So don't go anywhere yet, I have much more in store for you.

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